Thursday, June 9, 2011

Me. Today. Fighting the call & want to run

Today I must confess again that my heart is wanting to run from what the Lord has for me. I ache right now. My life is difficult at best. The dark cloud seems to not allow any light to break through.

Will I allow the light to break through?

20 years ago, I was selfish. I wanted you Lord all to myself. I stopped going to church and enjoyed your presence in solitude. That's righteous right? Don't the visionary monks go to a mountain top and pray for all the "sinners" sigh...

I was convicted of your love for me and the church. I joined the community of believers 18 years ago.

I am in that place again.

You have placed a call on my life which I believe is to the Church. I want to run. I feel selfish. I am also in a place wearing my pride on my arm like a badge to be proud of.

I'm better then all those self centered church goers..right?

That's why you've called me. You've shown me that all though my gift is serving and evangelism that does not make me better then those that keep their faith to themselves.

My sin just looks different.

Take my sin, forgive me and give me a love for those lost in the church. They will judge my weakness as I judge theirs but let us love each other as Christ (you Lord) loved the church...

Only you can give me that love. I choose today to forgive myself for my arrogance and forgive the church.

Bring the clean up crew in Lord...

The Church needs cleaning and love.

Your love.

I love you Lord. Send me.

I am weak but willing.

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