Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Me today. No longer silent
Sometimes I really don't like the fact that the Lord made me so sensitive. He gave me the gift of seeing the good in everyone! I am fascinated in why people do what they do. Yes. I know it is our sin nature but why do some dive off the slippery slop into the darkest of dark places while others simply think bad thoughts? I'm not angry at the world. I'm sad. When sin comes at me and my family, when there is rape, child molestation , abandonment, divorce, infidelity....it makes me ask why? It makes me want to run into the arms of my Saviour, Jesus Christ and stay there..the beauty of it is I can. Today, I wanted to just make it all go away, the pain in my life, in my daughters life. I can't "make" it go away but I can rest in Him and call, scream, cry out to Him. And I did. I feel a little bit better. My mind doesn't feel like it is taking over as much.
But when I read that 1 out of 6 boys is molested and 1 out of 5 girls, I want to throw up. Well I actually did! Part of my story ( which will be in the book that I am writing) is that I was molested at the age of 6 for about 1 year by a neighbor.
It was on the news this past weekend that a molester whom both myself and my daughter actually knew from a community we are involved, was arrested for child molestation he did in 2007. When my daughter said he seemed "nice and fun." My heart grieved for her confusion, for the boys abused in 2007 and for the man.
The man that jumped off into the deepest of darkest places of sin. The man that hurt me when I was little. The monster and yes, the man. Totally confusing. Why?
I hate that I know too much. I hate that I knew this man mentioned above. I hate that he had any contact with my girls. It opened up a HUGE wound in my heart from my childhood. I hate that I am always talking about things of depth.
I hate that I am publishing this. I hate that you now know this about me. But most of all I hate staying silent. I've been silent for too long and it has been out of fear. Fear of what you will think of me. The little girl in me is fearful yet the women in me says,"1-5 little girls is being molested in our world." I'm not the only one being silent.
Let's help to break the silence!
But if it just helps one of those 1-5 girls or 1-6 boys...then my transparency is worth it.
RAINN is a great resource if you know someone who has been effected by sexual abuse....
Sad, but a surviver....and a believer in the one who rescued me and will continue. My beloved Jesus Christ.
He is my only joy at times...thank you Lord
"The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him." Psalm 28:7