Me. Today. Discovering through suffering

Our nature is to be doubtful people.

I am in a season where I am in the valley. I know in my heart of hearts that Jesus is alive. He knows my pain, my heartache and my brokenness. But I'm suffering.

This past two years I've had to endure and process more then I thought my mind and emotions were capable of.

In the beginning.....

Abuse entered my life at a young age but so did Jesus. For those of us who are survivors of horrific sexual abuse and mind control and who have allowed Jesus into our lives are blessed.

Yes, I said blessed.

I have a deep relationship with Jesus that goes beyond the whys. From age 5-22 I asked why? Why do I have so much pain? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why? Then I realized that I will never know exactly why God does what He does or allows what He allows but I do know if we allow Him to help us discover Him more through sharing in His suffering, we will walk next to Him closely. We won't always "feel" His presence but it's as if we are walking with a lover, a friend on the beach when neither wants to talk. Or maybe one wants to talk but the other is simply listening. Jesus is next to me. I know it. I don't reach up to Him because He is next to me and you.

I'm learning to go deeper with Jesus. I'm experiencing revelation in my walk with Him.

My Christmas......reflecting on Mary and her story of suffering.

I get that Mary, mother of Jesus struggled.

She wept tears of fear and doubt.

She was made out to be a harlot from those that did not get why a virgin was pregnant.

She had to trust that her fiancée would not leave her when the news was delivered of her pregnancy.

It was time to give birth and she had to leave and move far away.

She was aching with birth pain yet there was no where to lay her head.

She wept. She trusted.

She wondered why God chose her and I think she even wondered why He chose this way to enter the world.

She wept.

I wonder if God chose her because He knew she would be obedient. I don't think the Lord chose her because she was a better follower of God then most. None of us is perfect, not one.

But God knew that Mary, in her frustration, questions and yes, doubt would remain faithful to what He asked her to do. She walked on. Looked ahead not behind..

And she wept and was obedient until her Sons death on the cross. Mary lived a tortured life knowing exactly what her Son was going to go through. I'm sure she was depressed at times. I'm sure she had a full does of the Holy Spirits Joy and peace but remember, she was like me and you. She felt deeply.

And she wept.

Lord, in all the complaining I do about my pain, my story and my crying out to you, why me;
I Love you. I cherish our relationship and I do count it all joy to suffer for the cross.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a yippy skippy state about my suffering. Suffering sucks, plain and simple. But experiencing the Joy that ONLY comes from Him goes as deep as the depths of our suffering.

This manic girl with many sides and depths will take those kinds of highs.

If you've been sexually assaulted there's help....