Should I have Joy? Not outside of my relationship with the Lord. My life has been hell. One thing after another. I want to start telling you my story.
I could start in the beginning when I was 5..but that might make me feel too vulnerable.
I could start in my teens but that might cause me to dive into the dark pit of shame.
I could start in my 20's...God came near but so did depression.
I could start when I got married but then you would see how troublesome our happy ever after was...
I could start one year ago September when one of my closest friends died suddenly. But then you may just pity me.
So I'll start with today or 1 week ago today.
My baby; my little girl who is growing into a spunky sassafras with wit and charm that would stun and beauty to boot was introduced to death....
It happened this time last week. My little girl had a fall on the playground which lead to emergency brain surgery. She should not be with us. 60-80% with her type of epidural hematoma die. She made it through surgery with NO need for therapy. She is the same little girl today. No brain damage. Nothing. Nothing.
A miracle. My head is still spinning. I'm joyful beyond belief. Then my heart sinks at the thought of what she went through last Wednesday. What we all went through. Friends pulled together and prayed. I don't even know who to thank because as I was sleeping next to my little girl, behind the scenes thousands where praying.
How do I feel? I'm not sure. I think I'm numb. And thankful. And joyful.
Then I am reminded that I just came out of a difficult mariage ( If I told you the details, shame may rear it's ugly head again.) sigh I am a newly single mom.
No don't feel sorry for me. It's OK. Jesus came near. He is near.
Does my daily life ache with pain at times?
Do I experience Joy?
Everyday. But not all the time.
Joy is a gift from the Lord, nothing I can muster up. He reaches out and hands me Joy. I receive it with delight as my body aches with the stress and pain that comes from a broken heart and trauma.
Trauma first knocked on my door at age 5.
Trauma came visiting again last week.
I'm numb. When will the dots connect between my heart and mind? I guess when I am ready to feel the pain and receive the healing.
My homework. Sit with the pain daily. ouch! This usually happens at night. It is a deathly pain. It reaches deep within and haunts me. It grips me. Fear sometimes takes hold of me.
But there will be joy again in the morning.