Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Me.Today. What a tangled web

"What a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive"

Always thought this was an interesting saying. I'm teaching my daughters that deceiving is a waste of time and effort. As Christ followers it will make the good fruit we have in our lives, rot.

Have you ever felt good about someone else's failures? I want to say NO. I want to say that this is the most hateful thing someone could do, feel good about someone else's pain. Yuck.

But if I'm honest....ugh, yes but if I'm honest.

I have.

I live in a dark place sometimes. I've battled with depression my whole life but came out of denial in my 20's which gave the Lord the space He needed in my heart and brain to heal.

I've come to a great place of healing. And I'm in a season of grieving too.

Just when I thought my scares were healed, more showed. It's as if the Lord needed to heal the deep wounds before He could get to the wounds that were more on the surface.

I'm jealous.

Yes, I confess this ugly part of me. I love people but I find that a lot of the time my heart is dark with jealousy.

I'm angry that I have had to make friends with depression because to ignore this beast would mean that it does not go away. When I pay attention to it, it's a much kinder, gentler "animal".

I suppose I suffer from low self esteem. I know we all do in different stages of our life.

But today, I want to be in someone else's skin.

I want to wear that mask that says, "I've got it all together." "Look at me and what I've accomplished" YOU should be jealous of me....

OH SNAP! That is twisted.

But oh what a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive...ourselves and the Lord.

Who am I kidding?

I'm a sinner saved by Grace.

He, my beloved Jesus calls me Mary ( I like to think so anyway.) The one who has sinned greatly, suffers deeply and rejoices surely in who she knows is the only one who can come to save.

Jesus I love you so....

I'm brought to my knees that you love on me and call me blessed.

" For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one can boast."
Ephesians 2:8-9

Lord please help me tend to the vine. I want good fruit in my life. My heart is sad, lonely, dark and frustrated. Make me clean and whole.

If there is any good in me it's because I run into the arms of my Saviour daily and He makes me more like Him.
xo

2 comments:

Jen Wags said...

Can't wait to finally meet you face to face sister. What a beautiful that will be. Praying often for you. xo

Nesting Momma said...

Jen, I know. It will be a glorious day!I'm so thankful for you and this new journey we are all on together.