Monday, May 9, 2011

Jealousy. envy. anger. overly sensitive. growing bitter?.

This is me today. I hate to admit it. I want to be in a different place. I want to be righteous, make righteous choices about my feelings.
Yet, non of us are righteous. I need Jesus today more then ever. This coming September 25th will be my 20th spiritual birthday. It will also be 1 year since I found out about my friends sudden death. Has 7 months really gone by since her absence from this earth?

The date. The 25th means more to me then most will ever know.

I don't like the emotion of anger. It frustrates me and I don't know what to do with it. I dare not take it inward otherwise the devil of despair will take over...yet if I let go of it and process it outwardly, I may feel out of control. Anger. Why do you have such a hold on me?

Lord, you know me better then anyone. You made me in my mothers womb. You designed me. You love me. Let not my feelings take over, come holy spirit and cleanse me once again. Make me as white as snow. Take my darkened heart and paint a beautiful picture of color within it that I may breath. I'm suffocating. Please give me new life, once again.

The loss of a child, a marriage, a friend, health, sanity is too much....but not for the Lord. He is always good. He will sustain us when we are emotionally and physically done.
Lord sustain me.

The Lord answered quickly. Right after I posted the above, I got Psalm 20 ( the Message Bible) running through my mind. God speaks.

Psalm 20

A David Psalm
1-4 God answer you on the day you crash, The name God-of-Jacob put you out of harm's reach,
Send reinforcements from Holy Hill,
Dispatch from Zion fresh supplies,
Exclaim over your offerings,
Celebrate your sacrifices,
Give you what your heart desires,
Accomplish your plans.

5 When you win, we plan to raise the roof
and lead the parade with our banners.
May all your wishes come true!

6 That clinches it—help's coming,
an answer's on the way,
everything's going to work out.

7-8 See those people polishing their chariots,
and those others grooming their horses?
But we're making garlands for God our God.
The chariots will rust,
those horses pull up lame—
and we'll be on our feet, standing tall.

9 Make the king a winner, God;
the day we call, give us your answer.