Me Today. What I learned in Michigan

I had the beautiful opportunity to visit the state of Michigan last week. When I arrived I was greeted by the ladies from the Legacy Conference and stayed the night with Corrine who has walked the journey of single motherhood for almost ten years. I am new to the single motherhood life so it was an encouragement I had not expected to get from the trip. I could have left the next day and my heart would have been lifted with hope to endure this new journey which sometimes frightens me.

My heart has been overwhelmed since I arrived home. I hug my babies closer, I appreciate the sunshine as the gals there only seem to get five months of great weather. All though I think God smiled down on Michigan upon my arrival because there was sun, snow and a sunset over Lake Michigan that made me think for a moment that Heaven will look a bit like "this". I left a bit of my heart in Michigan but know California is home. It is a awkward, sometimes dark and grimy place with smog and bitterness in the air but, I know it. It is familiar, it is noisy enough for me to run away and hide in my pain but the smell of the ocean and beaches that many envy are a quick hideaway if needed.

What I learned: The DePoy family have hearts of Gold and a love big enough for strangers that challenges the spirit to want to grow. I had a heart to heart with Pastor Jerry DePoy Sr. and it was what this girl needed. He challenged why I am going to school for Psychology. I had the answers and we both walked away from the conversation stretched out of our comfort zone. Which I love. I don't appreciate people in my life who let me stay stuck. My sweet friends of twenty years lovingly challenge me. He did too. What a man of wisdom, grace and love for friends close and strangers he calls family. Mrs, DePoy was a complete jewel who made me feel comfortable from the start.

Women whom I met, all of them, loved on me and accepted me with the grace of Jesus.

Michigan made me face my emotional fears. I told the story of how I met Jennifer from the Legacy Conference I think ten to twenty times which made me face the tangible, heart felt fact that I met this loving family and ministry because Jay DePoy Jr. told me that my friend had committed suicide. Gina always loved a happy ending. I  know she is smiling in Heaven.

I learned that spiritual sisters in Christ are connected. I knew that but I felt as though I had met these ladies of Legacy already. It's as if we were long lost friends that reconnected.

What a see and goals I have coming home from Michigan:

*To love on my girls, nurture them through the trauma they continue to experience because of the abuse I went through during my marriage. Yes, that is real and it's my story. Their Dad is a person loved by God with real pain and I married him. loving him but the pain goes deep for all of us and there is a road of healing we are all on even if it is separately and always will be.

*I am going to finish my book and realize that it is a book on awareness to the Church as well as those who do not find their faith in Jesus Christ.

* I have ideas for two more books so it's official. I'm a writer soon to be author.

*Finish school before I dive into ministry. I will continue down the road of healing but with hope in my heart.  Lord willing, I will work with women who have experienced trauma possibly in the area of sex trafficking  in the United States because it is a form of occult abuse and I understand that deep pain. Spiritual Counseling is a desire having the knowledge of how the mind works as we heal, mind , body and spirit.

* Help my best friend Heather to grow Blessednest.com it is a journey we have been on for over 10 years and we see that we are about to reach higher ground. It's exciting!

Yes. I am a blessed, busy, yet balanced girl, with freedom.

Oh, and I am not thinking about the fact that I am 47. I feel better then I ever have. So be it. Growing old is great.

Thank you for walking on this road of redemption with me. The road that leads home.

Me. Today. Still Dreaming Big

It was the 1990's when I rededicated my life to the Lord. I was so eager to know the Lord on a deeper level that I believe He is the one who directed me down the path to Youth ministry at Mariners Church. It was there that I met Becky, who had a ministry to encourage women to grow closer to God through prayer and telling their story. I thought, "simple enough." I can pray and I can tell my story. So, I bought what I think was one of her first books written on the power of prayer.

Wild Things Happen When I Pray. I took the book literally and wanted this deep intimacy with the Lord found in prayer but I also wanted to partner with Him, praying in Faith with an expectant heart.  This book encouraged me to dream through prayer. I took my inspirations on what life could possibly hold for me and brought it all to the Lord. He has been faithful to guide me. I also, read that Martin Luther King spent three hours a day praying, so I did too.

I believed and still do, that God can move mountains through prayer.

The Lord is doing the moving of the mountains but as C.S. Lewis says," through prayer we simply get to be a part of what God is already doing." I began to pray for our Government and anything I thought the Lord was showing me to pray for no matter how crazy it seemed. There was even a three year season  when myself , a surfer, ex- drug user, Engineering Student from Brazil, getting his masters, got together and formed a prayer team specifically about the CIA and possible corruption. I know, we sound like complete crazy people.
Regardless of what we are ...were. Crazy that is. We are dreamers, We, I, believe that God can do anything through prayer and I wanted to be a part of it.

I haven't prayed with this kind of authority in years. It's time to enter into this season again.

I had a dream in the 1990's and a girl, well my voice instructor, said," don't ever give up on that dream." I took voice lessons for one year because I needed to find my voice. In the midst of entering into a season of chaos when I was remembering childhood abuse, I had a hard time expressing myself. I couldn't even bring myself to worship. Did I take voice lessons because I wanted to be good at singing or be on the worship team? NO! I took them because I knew it would bring healing and it did. Singing helps me integrate my broken parts.

My Dream: To help women and children integrate their broken hearts and minds through the arts. music, acting, dance,art. Do I have a talent in these areas? No. But I have a dream to see women and kids who have no self esteem to jump out of the box and do something expressive with their bodies and minds. This concept for someone who has been abused is frightening! So, I am not giving up on my dream.

And guess what? I found out that their may be a masters program developing at my school in "Organizational Psychology." Can I dance, sing, act or draw? No, but I can find healing in doing so and I can organize a group to do it....in time.

Just reminding Myself that Wild Things Happen When I Pray........

Me. Today. Death Has Lost and Love Has Won

Me. Today. Humbled

I've had the sense of heaviness lately. It hasn't been a depression; that is all to familiar and I know it well.

No, not depression. It is a call to intercessory prayer....It's a call I've had on my life and when ignored I feel it.

I get pictures of people in my mind and pray, events, pray, government, pray. Whatever comes to mind as the spirit leads I pray.

The Lord has used this gift as a way of keeping my eyes off of myself. I struggle with depression and have come to learn that when I am in a low cycle or a high cycle, God encourages me to pray for others not myself.

I'm selfish. Self focused....sigh

But......

It's Grace.

It's healing.

And it comes in the package of prayer.

Today. I'm Humbled.

xo

Me. Today. Fearfully expecting good things

I can't conquer fear, it paralyzes me. It comes in the form of anxiety and depression.  Fear came to haunt me after the death of my friend, the loss of my marriage and an emergency brain surgery performed on my youngest daughter. All in the same year! I've tried to cope in my own strength and only fail. I know it's God through me who can accomplish this task! I'm ready to face it, take it on. This monster that waits at the door to welcome me in, will not win. 
Do you struggle with fear? Let's meditate on these verses until we over flow with His Grace that can love the fear out of us......I don't know when the battle will be won but I'm confident He is on my side therefore I rest in His arms of love as He puts on the good fight on behalf of my tired soul.

The Lord is my Light and my Salvation--whom shall I fear or dread? The Lord is the Refuge and Stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27: 1

Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord. Psalm 27: 14

Say to those who are of a fearful and hasty heart, Be strong, fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance; with the recompense of God He will come and save you. Isaiah 35: 4

Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice. Isaiah 41: 10

For I the Lord your God hold your right hand; I am the Lord, Who says to you, Fear not; I will help you! Isaiah 41: 13

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. 2 Timothy 1: 7

In Whom, because of our faith in Him, we dare to have the boldness (courage and confidence) of free access (an unreserved approach to God with freedom and without fear). Ephesians 3: 12

So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is my Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me? Hebrews 13: 6

And Joseph said to them, Fear not; for am I in the place of God? [Vengeance is His, not mine.] Genesis 50: 19

And Moses said to the people, Fear not; for God has come to prove you, so that the [reverential] fear of Him may be before you, that you may not sin. Exodus 20: 20

Only do not rebel against the Lord, neither fear the people of the land, for they are bread for us. Their defense and the shadow [of protection] is removed from over them, but the Lord is with us. Fear them not. Numbers 14: 9

Be strong, courageous, and firm; fear not nor be in terror before them, for it is the Lord your God Who goes with you; He will not fail you or forsake you. Deuteronomy 31: 6

It is the Lord Who goes before you; He will [march] with you; He will not fail you or let you go or forsake you; [let there be no cowardice or flinching, but] fear not, neither become broken [in spirit--depressed, dismayed, and unnerved with alarm]. Deuteronomy 31: 8

Joshua said to them, Fear not nor be dismayed; be strong and of good courage. For thus shall the Lord do to all your enemies against whom you fight. Joshua 10: 25

There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and [so] he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love [is not yet grown into love's complete perfection]. 1 John 4: 18

The Lord said to him, Peace be to you, do not fear; you shall not die. Judges 6: 23

Scriptures found on heavens inspirations

Me. Today. Waking Up

 Aching up. 

Pain reaches high.

I walk.

I run.

I open the blinds to see the sun come up. 

I wrap my wind breaker around my body, running shoes on. A slow stride. It's been a while.
  
The sun is waking up.

 I'm in reality.

My world is waking up.

Waking up.

Sun is up.

I'm hopeful.

Waking up.

Me. Today. If You Say Go

Me.Today. Doing Nothing

Well, that's what it feels like.

No dance classes, no 4H,  no Karate, no soccer......

We've had to cut things a bit around here and I have to admit I felt a bit of Mommy guilt at first; are they missing out? Everyone else is running their kids from here to there.

But what are we doing?

We're laughing together more. Sitting at the table to eat dinner more ofter. The cutting out of things leaves space in our day for hard conversation. My girls have the emotional space to process any negative emotions they may have and I'm there to listen and help them walk through. 

Would we have that time if it was filled with any of the above? NO.

It's a season. But I no longer have mommy guilt when I see what we are doing.

XO

Me. Today. It's been a long time

It's been a long time since I've looked at the 12 Steps to serenity.

photo credit:: creative commons: Billy Brown

Me. Today. wanting to learn how to have a healthy relationship.

You see, I was involved in a 12 Step program years ago but not as an addict. It was to gain perspective as to why I do what I do and how do I find peace in this process of healing? I had issues, that was a given but  I couldn't place my addiction. My addiction is a tough one because it is relationship.

I'm co-dependent.

We as Christ followers are called to have compassion, to carry each others burdens so I guess this all became confusing to me. How can a Christian be co-dependent? Most of us are so selfish.  Why can't we just give our all to someone no matter the cost? Jesus did, right?  One pastor I spoke with said , " Yeah, if only more Christians were co-dependent the church would reach more people."

I realize what an un- healthy and crazy statement that was.

We are called to compassion not co-dependency. We are not to try to play the part of Jesus or to even think by our thoughts and actions that we are the ones who can possibly heal someone or take all their burdens away.

My spiritual gifting does include empathy and compassion.

I just need to remember when to set my pride aside and to let Jesus do His thing. It's hard for me....I feel peoples pain so deeply and that calls me to action. But what does that look like in my life? Prayer? Yes. But is that it? I don't know. I will be attending a co-dependence anonymous group....details to come but I've began my journey and excited about it.

My second look at the 12 steps as someone who is co-dependent and looking for Jesus to heal.

Disclaimer: This is my second look so I promise I won't become to "crazy or loud" about my experience..this is the WWW you can choose not to read.

The 12 Steps

• Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable 
•  Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity 
• Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God 
•  Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves 
•  Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs 
•  Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character 
• Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings 
• Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all 
• Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others 
• Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it 
• Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out
• Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

Me. Today. Blessed Are those...

Who hunger and thirst.

When I'm aching in pain and want to reach towards addictive behavior, there is a cry in my soul, " an itch, a crawling and scratching at that surface to find a way out."

Pastor, Jay is on to something. Go find out. A must read! At Grace Like Rain

Me. Today. More healing

"The Lord is healing me quickly in spite of my brokenness at the speed of lightening....as I sit in tears, feeling sad, lonely yet hopeful."

I've shared this with a few friends this week. It seems others are in this spot too. I'm glad I've gotten the help I need to begin, dive into, start the process of healing. I realize that so many ladies do not know where to get help.

Visit my help page if you feel stuck and or ready to get the help you need.
The book I'm currently reading... Rebuilding the Real You by Jack Hayford

Me. Today. Laughing....

Through tears.
I've been through a lot. I'm currently going through one heck of a time but I laugh if even through my tears at times.

I see the bight, yellow sun and I soak it in.

I see the waves and I am reminded of how He is our soft breeze in the midst of the storm.

I meet women everyday it seems that are just like you and me. We look different, act different; but we all have stories. I'm having coffee tomorrow am with a new friend. We will be sharing our testimonies, stories. Really , just sharing life. I try to not worry about the future. It is just SO unknown. I was reminded today to ask the Lord in every situation (not just the big ones) what will you have me do? Lord, help us to remember to ask for your will and wisdom and to not just run into every situation that smells and looks pretty. Sometimes the pretty things are deceiving?!
OR
Maybe He is giving you pretty, but He just wants you to remember to include Him in the gift and the surprise.

Me. Today. Gardening

What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. (anonymous)

I pulled some weeds in the garden of my heart this week. It's been a much neglected garden. I had let a bit of bitterness set in. 

Sometimes I hold on to sin like a lover. 

An abusive lover. 

 

Then, when I allow, in His love, Jesus comes in and rescues. 

Only Jesus, through His spirit, can dig down deep into the miry pit of my heart and make those dark places clean.

He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. Psalm 40:2

Nothing can separate us from the Love of God. Rest in that love.

XO

Me. Today. it's all good

Just when you think you've had enough. When God has given you more then you can handle and your arms are thrown up in the air, you're yelling... STOP,

A little girl speaks. She whispers.

My sweet little girls whispers. " Mommy there is nothing better in the world then learning about Jesus."

I throw my hands up in the air and say, "It's all good."

I worry about my girls and what life will throw them. What heart ache they will experience. But if they have a passion to learn more about Jesus.

I know it's all good.

                 This is my baby who had brain surgery in September. She recovered 100%. It's all good!

Me. Today. Army of 3

As Christ followers I think sometimes we are afraid of the dark within.

Ironic.

Jesus died for the dark in us. It's obviously there.

Music helps me to get in touch with the dark within. It's a fine line though....I don't want to listen to  music that keeps me in the dark , nurtures the dark or makes me feel like dark is a friend who I can keep around and allow it to ask bitterness to come out and play.

NO, I can't go there.

But I sing ( in the shower, car) loudly. Hearing my voice is good. Hearing myself express pain seems to take the pain  from within and launches it out to the universe. 


Ingid is a safe voice , place for me to express humor, music and my voice without feeling like I'm huging the dark.

When I choose music carefully, it heals me.

To pretend that the dark is not there and to give you the impression that I sit around worshiping all day with joy in my heart would make me a Pharisee.

I'm a person who struggles.

Loves deeply , feels deeply.


Find your voice within. If you're a survivor of any sort of trauma , you may feel like your voice was made silent. The dark had to stay tucked away in order for the abuse to stop, the pain to stop or you held on to the lie that if you stayed silent , the pain would go away.

I did not have a voice as a child. I found it at age 25. Then I gave up my voice at age 36 and I am now finding it again.

Speak the truth in love. It's OK.

Army of three:

Follow @DonnaBishop5

Me. Today. Forgivness

The girls Daddy came over on Christmas day, only for one hour. I still feel the ache of the loneliness I felt during our 9 years of marriage.

Yet, I do rejoice over the freedom I now have.

Never did I even think about divorce until the door of hate was slammed in my face. Even then, I asked for, begged for a way in which we could keep our marriage in tacked. There was no way. It was time to be safe, healthy and an example to my two girls that it's not OK to be abused. It's not ok to be ignored and it's not OK for someone to go outside the marriage to find "joy" in someone else.

It's just not.
Period.
Jesus sometimes has us be bold, to act bold.
This was my time.

It's just when I get frustrated at the process of forgiveness, that the Lord enters that heavy, dark place of bitterness in my heart.

I experience what it is to forgive.

Not faking it, feeling it. Free of that bitter root. It's been plucked. Ouch it still stings, the operation of it all.

Thank you Jesus for walking with me in the pain and pulling my heart towards forgiveness.


"An unforgiving heart hurts...we can give the ache to Him in forgiveness and then have the freedom our hearts so desire."

Me. Today. Birth- Baby-Bling

"Never, never, never give up." -- Sir Winston Churchill

Happy Hanukkah ~Merry Christmas~ He Loves You

Me. Today. The Lord keeping Vigil

<sup>The Lord gave me this verse as I tossed and turned then, I finally got up out of bed to look up the verse running through my head..Exodus 12...

I'm entering into the season where I leave the desert. This is the Lords promise.

Also, at the end of the book of Job. Ready to receive my inheritance of a legacy that praises Jesus!

Exodus
31</sup> During the night Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron and said, “Up! Leave my people, you and the Israelites! Go, worship the LORD as you have requested. ³² Take your flocks and herds, as you have said, and go. And also bless me.”

³³ The Egyptians urged the people to hurry and leave the country. “For otherwise,” they said, “we will all die!” ³⁴ So the people took their dough before the yeast was added, and carried it on their shoulders in kneading troughs wrapped in clothing. ³⁵ The Israelites did as Moses instructed and asked the Egyptians for articles of silver and gold and for clothing. ³⁶ The LORD had made the Egyptians favorably disposed toward the people, and they gave them what they asked for; so they plundered the Egyptians.

³⁷ The Israelites journeyed from Rameses to Sukkoth. There were about six hundred thousand men on foot, besides women and children. ³⁸ Many other people went up with them, and also large droves of livestock, both flocks and herds. ³⁹ With the dough the Israelites had brought from Egypt, they baked loaves of unleavened bread. The dough was without yeast because they had been driven out of Egypt and did not have time to prepare food for themselves.

⁴⁰ Now the length of time the Israelite people lived in Egypt^[b] was 430 years. ⁴¹ At the end of the 430 years, to the very day, all the LORD’s divisions left Egypt. ⁴² Because the LORD kept vigil that night to bring them out of Egypt, on this night all the Israelites are to keep vigil to honor the LORD for the generations to come.

Me. Today. New Beginnings

As the holiday of Christmas comes near, I can't help but think of new beginnings.

New beginnings.

That's it.

That's the meaning of Christmas in my heart.

A baby was born. A new beginning.

My heart breaks forth with a cracking of the shell that once surroneded my heart.

Crack. Heart surgery..and a new beginning.

{peace}

Me. Today. Lovely Umbrellas