Me Today: In Spite of Me

When my girls were born or maybe even before, I had a dream about how I would raise my children. I would homeschool them, teach them about the Lord and instill in them a desire to meet with the Lord in daily quite times. I love the Lord and have had seasons in which I am meeting with Him in daily quite times but three years ago something changed. I became divorced. A single mom with more responsibility than I ever thought possible. I was suddenly on my own. The Lord has been faithful to me in whatever season I am in. If I am practicing spiritual disciplines, He is there. If I am going through a dry season and I don't feel close to Him, He is there. I've felt close to the Lord these past three years but I haven't been practicing spiritual disciplines such as reading my Bible daily. I worship Him through music but my heart is weary and I often wonder if He is disappointed. The He shows up and whispers to me that He knows my heart and loves me dearly. Even though, I continue to have the desire to teach my girls about Jesus. We go to church, Tabitha is on the worship team and she talks of the Lord often. But we as a family don't worship the Lord or do we? Years ago the Lord taught me that one of the most important things I can do is to walk and talk with my children about Him. We don't "sit" with Jesus as a family but I notice that we talk about Him constantly. As something comes up on the news or the girls are struggling with a friendship or their homework, we talk about how the Lord is in it all. We talk about Jesus. This doesn't excuse the fact that Bible reading and family time is important but what I am showing my girls is Gods grace, When they fall short, He is there. In spite of my lack of leadership in our family, He is there.

It was late, and Tabitha was up way past her bedtime. As I was asking her to go to sleep she picked up a devotional and said she wanted to read her Bible before she went to sleep.  I just smiled and said of course. In spite of me, God is whispering  to Tabitha and Sophie that He is there. That the Bible is important and that He loves them with all His heart. They know His grace. They are experiencing it daily. Following the Lord is messy around here but in spite of us, He shows up.

Me today: Just another day?

We were in the car, my girls and I. An average Sunday. We were driving to church and out of the blue my oldest daughter said, "my friends brother is bi-polar." It was the opportunity I have been praying about for years; the day I would tell my girls one of my secrets. I replied, "so am I." My daughters were a bit surprised but in a curious way. They immediately understood the difference between someone who takes their medication and someone who doesn't. You see, their Dad is bi-polar too. He has a duel diagnosis. Bi-polar runs on both sides of the family. The difference is, I don't fit into the Bi-polar box. I don't have extreme highs although I've had a couple over the years.I have more lows then highs and I don't drink and go on spending sprees. I have two children. I'm a single mom and I go to school full time. I work. I've owned a business. I'm currently helping a friend get her business of the ground. I'm as normal as we know normal to be.



I'm writing  a book. It's in the editing process. Thoughts haunt me that I shouldn't publish it

because I am not a professional writer. If I believed those lies that haunt me, then all of my Bi-polar friends would be missing out. They may feel alone, afraid of who they are or what they will become. You see, several of my Bi-polar friends are young. My book is for the lost, the believer who may judge and for those young friends.It's for Bi-polar believers and non believers as well. I'm openly sharing my journey. The good, the bad and the ugly. It's my journey and there is nothing to fear. I'm not afraid of being Bi-polar and I'm not afraid of you knowing my secrets. A friend once told me, "we are as sick as our secrets." I guess writing my story makes me one well person. `

My new favorite song...i'm finding joy